How to Pick a Good Partner (part 1)

This is only part 1 as it is a continuing development throughout life.  The partners I previously chose where not great choices otherwise we may still be together!  After each break-up, if one chooses to reflect, one can learn more about how to be in a relationship, the mistakes they made, and necessary traits for future choices.  Also, one can look deeper at their intuition and learn to listen to it without distraction for example:  in any of your failed relationships did you kind of know deep down that it wouldn’t work?  Always listen to the deep down voice.  And when you haven’t and things blow up – it’s just an opportunity to double down on your efforts to honor your internal guidance.

intuition_quote.jpg

Nice quote there.

Here are some traits I have realized are needed in my next partner:

  1. A desire to get along, to cooperate.  This expands into a desire to trust and a desire to be solution orientated in handling conflicts.  This excludes angry people, verbally abusive people, deceivers, etc.  They need to want to get along at all times!
  2. Regular evidence of them working on their mind and beliefs.  Do they admit when they are wrong?  Do they self reflect?  This excludes people who blame or never slow down to be sincere.
  3. Evidence of inquiry into communication skills, habits and road blocks.  Communication is everything and yet nearly NO ONE is born with developed skills and it isn’t taught anywhere.  One has to actively go out and seek a better skill set.

Here are some red flags I’ve been dumb enough to fall for:

  • She had a boyfriend and was cheating with me
  • She was about to move to a foreign country as we started
  • I didn’t like or respect her career field
  • She valued physical closeness sooner than emotional connection
  •  I couldn’t trust her
  • My intuition said “no”

Wow, writing those out really makes it clear how dumb I was to choose some of the partners of my past.  As I stated before, just further evidence that your intuition, your gut, has to be trusted.  It never works out to go against your gut and the longer you try to ignore it the harder the fall back to reality will be.  You cannot ignore your gut.

Here are some strategies for meeting someone new because although I fell for some awful choices in the past it was my own fault for associating with them, attracting them to me, and agreeing to have a bad relationship with them.  Yikes!

Be more honest with yourself about who you are and what you want.  Keep that stuff to the forefront of your expression.  It is a balance not to scare someone away but then again, if they aren’t real enough to handle your truths then they are probably operating at a level of self-deception that you are trying to stay away from.  Make sure you have your life in order as failed relationships offer you a great distraction from the real problems in your life.  Realize that on some level the romantic attraction to others is a big racket caused by your biology.  This is bigger than just physical desire as that physical desire will trick your mind into believing false concepts.  It is not a need.  Bunnies in the field, dogs in the park, and monkeys in the zoo:  go observe them.  When you think you need to be with someone physically you are operating at that animal level.   Please learn to recognize and make distinctions between the levels of your consciousness and do not let the lower animal levels trick your mind, heart or spirit.

If you want a healthy, supportive and comforting relationship then choose that.  If those three adjectives are not found within the first date or meeting then, please, let it go.  At the first sight of a red flag do not proceed with that person until you have expressed to them your sighting of a red flag.  No need to be overly gentle here – you need them to be honest.  No need to be avoidant.  Clearly, directly, respectfully give them an opportunity to redeem the situation.  How are your communication skills?  Here’s a nice framework

“Hey, I’m really excited about you and having a relationship with you but I can’t proceed until we’ve cleared up ______________________.”

If they want the relationship they’ll work through it, if they won’t work through it, they don’t want the relationship and you will be a fool to stay with them.  If they blow up, run away, push you away, avoid it, are silent then leave them.  They don’t have communication skills or self-reflection skills.  Yours aren’t fully developed either but two partners need to be committed to growing as human beings together.

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