It’s Not So Bad to Be Cheated

This topic sucks and may strike a nerve.  It was a huge push button topic for me for a long time.  However, the only real way to deal with the uncomfortable subject of being cheated on is to accept that it happened and it’s not really such a big deal.  Seems crazy right?  The fact is, it happens all the time.  People of a certain level will always be plotting to leave you and move on to the more convenient or exciting thing.  The way to circumvent this is to not attract people on that level or below.  Unfortunately, that can be hard to do as most humans don’t try to evolve or stay evolved and biology is a tricky persuasive racket.  It is not about being judgmental.  It is about being someone, yourself, who is trustworthy.

trustworthy

People can operate at a level of only violence and sex – many people actually do go here for their intimate relationships.  That’s called an animal level or biological level.  Above that people can operate on a social level – they’ll care about their reputation, appearances, what their peers think.  Both of those levels are not trustworthy.  They lack benevolent intention and integrity.

Integrity means your actions and words are integrated into one direction.  Always trust someones actions and do not trust their words.  You cannot trust words.  Trust actions.  Someone who says they’ll do things but doesn’t do them does not have integrity and cannot be trusted.  Don’t be a fool and trust something that isn’t trustworthy.  That is asking for trouble.

If a person can get beyond social mind they will have still far to go and a difficult journey through the harsh realities and triviality of life and growth before they can operate from a level of spirit or world wide love.  This is where you’ll find benevolent and trustworthy people.

So, think of all the people you know, how many have risen above animal and social levels?  How many have done the work along the journey of maturity, growth and spirituality?  Probably very few let’s be honest.  So that is how many people are trustworthy – very few.  Growth is not an easy journey, in fact it is excruciating at times.  Unless someone REALLY wants to evolve and grow they will not do it because it just takes too much work!

Therefore, if you get cheated, it is not such a bad thing.  The cheater simply doesn’t know better.  They can’t act better.  She only knows how to cheat on all her boyfriends and you were no exception.  If you could look back perhaps you saw it coming.  You after all are the one who chose her.  So, learn a lesson – that’s not a bad thing, it’s a great thing!!  Most people will cheat and if you aren’t deliberately choosing based on honest criteria you’ll get cheated on.  But again, the only way to really rise above it is to, yourself, change.  You have to be a trustworthy person, you have to have integrity and benevolence from the get go.  If you can become this and stay this then you will simply not attract those operating at less trustworthy levels.  Why would a trustworthy woman choose to be with a not trustworthy man?  So you see, you’ll only find a trustworthy mate by being one yourself.  If you work on achieving this, you’ve done more than most, though you still need to be discerning about who you choose to trust.  Be careful, look where you are stepping.

How to Pick a Good Partner (part 2)

Although I know it’s better to think about what you DO want rather than what you don’t want I would like to talk about some things you don’t want just for a minute.

  • Don’t  pick the hottest woman in the room
  • Beware the woman who is extremely receptive
  • Give no time to a flirtatious woman who is not single

pollination-food-crops

Don’t pick the hottest woman in the room:

Hopefully you aren’t looking from a physical standpoint only as that will surely lead to trouble however you want to find a mate who is pleasant to look at.  The nice thing is the more the relationship develops the more attractive they will appear to you 🙂  Beware of the hottest woman in the room and do not pick her.  This is for many reasons.  Female form is great and should be celebrated but the hottest woman in the room will have all the guys she meets wanting to celebrate her, some for purely physical reasons and some starting there and wanting more to develop.  You are asking for trouble if you pick this woman.  Second, there may be something about a woman who always wants to appear to be the best looking thing.  It could be a hyper-competitiveness with her friends in which case the love of one man won’t do for very long.  Soon the appeal of you will wear off and she’ll need the next shiny thing.  A woman who spends hours a week on her outward appearance could have been spending hours a week on her inner beauty.  Physical appearance is truly only skin deep.  Self-worth comes from a much deeper place.  If she has inner beauty she won’t need to rely on outer beauty for security.

Beware the woman who is extremely receptive:

Although it feels great to meet a woman who seems totally into you.  There can be wild, fantastical and exciting moments between you two.  However, a woman who is extremely receptive to you as a man is to be avoided.  She will likely also be extremely receptive to other men as well.  If she doesn’t outright cheat on you, good, but when your relationship hits a rough spot, distance, or she has an opportunity then she may very well receive attention (or other things) from another man.  Women who are apt to make physically risque connections with you in public or dangerous places are also willing to do that with other men.  In other words, if she’s easy for you – she’s easy for them too!  Beware.

Give no time to a flirtatious woman who is not single:

This one should be obvious.

You’ll notice in the first two cases you are trying to avoid extremes.  Any relationship that has extreme sides is not good.  You want steady, reliable, calm and open.  Extreme may be exciting and fun but like a pendulum it will swing back the other way.

Always use caution when choosing any course of action and especially a mate.  Look at what you are getting yourself into with a clear and sober mind.  Do not be tricked by your biology.  You should feel very, very secure in a woman’s commitment to the relationship before you proceed with her.  It’s your heart, your feelings and your life you are directing.  It demands a lot of thought, attention and care.  Be careful with yourself.

 

How to Pick a Good Partner (part 1)

This is only part 1 as it is a continuing development throughout life.  The partners I previously chose where not great choices otherwise we may still be together!  After each break-up, if one chooses to reflect, one can learn more about how to be in a relationship, the mistakes they made, and necessary traits for future choices.  Also, one can look deeper at their intuition and learn to listen to it without distraction for example:  in any of your failed relationships did you kind of know deep down that it wouldn’t work?  Always listen to the deep down voice.  And when you haven’t and things blow up – it’s just an opportunity to double down on your efforts to honor your internal guidance.

intuition_quote.jpg

Nice quote there.

Here are some traits I have realized are needed in my next partner:

  1. A desire to get along, to cooperate.  This expands into a desire to trust and a desire to be solution orientated in handling conflicts.  This excludes angry people, verbally abusive people, deceivers, etc.  They need to want to get along at all times!
  2. Regular evidence of them working on their mind and beliefs.  Do they admit when they are wrong?  Do they self reflect?  This excludes people who blame or never slow down to be sincere.
  3. Evidence of inquiry into communication skills, habits and road blocks.  Communication is everything and yet nearly NO ONE is born with developed skills and it isn’t taught anywhere.  One has to actively go out and seek a better skill set.

Here are some red flags I’ve been dumb enough to fall for:

  • She had a boyfriend and was cheating with me
  • She was about to move to a foreign country as we started
  • I didn’t like or respect her career field
  • She valued physical closeness sooner than emotional connection
  •  I couldn’t trust her
  • My intuition said “no”

Wow, writing those out really makes it clear how dumb I was to choose some of the partners of my past.  As I stated before, just further evidence that your intuition, your gut, has to be trusted.  It never works out to go against your gut and the longer you try to ignore it the harder the fall back to reality will be.  You cannot ignore your gut.

Here are some strategies for meeting someone new because although I fell for some awful choices in the past it was my own fault for associating with them, attracting them to me, and agreeing to have a bad relationship with them.  Yikes!

Be more honest with yourself about who you are and what you want.  Keep that stuff to the forefront of your expression.  It is a balance not to scare someone away but then again, if they aren’t real enough to handle your truths then they are probably operating at a level of self-deception that you are trying to stay away from.  Make sure you have your life in order as failed relationships offer you a great distraction from the real problems in your life.  Realize that on some level the romantic attraction to others is a big racket caused by your biology.  This is bigger than just physical desire as that physical desire will trick your mind into believing false concepts.  It is not a need.  Bunnies in the field, dogs in the park, and monkeys in the zoo:  go observe them.  When you think you need to be with someone physically you are operating at that animal level.   Please learn to recognize and make distinctions between the levels of your consciousness and do not let the lower animal levels trick your mind, heart or spirit.

If you want a healthy, supportive and comforting relationship then choose that.  If those three adjectives are not found within the first date or meeting then, please, let it go.  At the first sight of a red flag do not proceed with that person until you have expressed to them your sighting of a red flag.  No need to be overly gentle here – you need them to be honest.  No need to be avoidant.  Clearly, directly, respectfully give them an opportunity to redeem the situation.  How are your communication skills?  Here’s a nice framework

“Hey, I’m really excited about you and having a relationship with you but I can’t proceed until we’ve cleared up ______________________.”

If they want the relationship they’ll work through it, if they won’t work through it, they don’t want the relationship and you will be a fool to stay with them.  If they blow up, run away, push you away, avoid it, are silent then leave them.  They don’t have communication skills or self-reflection skills.  Yours aren’t fully developed either but two partners need to be committed to growing as human beings together.

Middle Yin and Middle Yang

“I can’t believe she did that to me!”  –  “I can believe that she did that me, it makes total sense”

“What a jerk!”  –  “I get it, I understand their behaviors”

“I need to forgive her”  –  “I’ll never forgive her”

“I hate myself”  –  “I don’t hate myself”

I don’t know.  What is bothering you?  Say it and then say the exact opposite.  Lakes and mountains.  Heaven and Earth.  Fire and Water.  Wood and Metal.  Yin and Yang.  Where are you leaning more towards one area?  As an exercise take that area and say the opposite like some of the examples above.  They are quite generic as only you can make it specific and useful.  The idea is to be middle yin or middle yang.  The more stable of the areas.  You see, in the I Ching you read hexagrams, which are 6 lines, really it’s two sets of 3 lines.  In each 3 line set you want to be the middle line.  The not exaggerated view point.  Try to see those situations that really drive you nuts from the exact opposites.   Look at this picture:

sinewave_as_generated.png

The exaggerated highs (full yang) and lows (full yin) are to be avoided.  So if you find yourself exaggerating some of your thoughts on a particular topic, like the experience of your last relationship, then try saying the exact opposite exaggeration with the goal of bringing your perspective more towards the straight line.  Middle yin and middle yang.

If your life can be represented by a string of a finite length then the more exaggerated the highs and lows are then the less your length it will be able to cover ie; a shorter life.  So the more you can keep your life steady and stable (it will never be a straight line as that doesn’t exist in nature) then the longer your life and health will be.

Forgiveness, free writing, burning

This topic is hard but essential.  I am by no means an expert or have a heightened understanding of forgiveness but I do know the value of it.  To be honest, all we can really do in our interactions with others is forgive.  It is really more complicated than that.  Here’s my suggestions for forgiving because we probably know it is important or have those things (actions people did in the past) that we just cannot seem to let go and are tortured by.  Well here’s what I recommend.

A worthy investment is a spiral bound notebook of ruled paper and some pens.  You might spend $4 USD.  This is worth the time and money to get these materials.  Then, free write on the subject, write without re-reading or editing, write even if it means just scribbles, write knowing that after you finish writing however many pages you are going to crumple them up and burn them so that no one can ever see them.  Burning the pages is important.  It is not enough to just throw them away and definitely do not leave them in the notebook.  One of the points of this is to have a safe outlet to get whatever is in your mind out of your mind without any judgement or holding back.  You can only do that successfully if the pages are then burned.

fire

A WORD OF CAUTION.  If you do cathartic writing like this make no mistake, someone you do not want to find it will, and they will read it.  Even if someone says they love you, they will violate your privacy if tempted.  Unless they are a very highly developed, mature and spiritual person who is in a totally calm state they will read through you personal information.  This means, burn pages, lock your iPad, lock your iPhone and change passwords on all your devices to things not easily decipherable.  Don’t be blind sighted.  If something bad can happen it will – so take care of protecting your information.  In this technological age you have to spend time every few weeks pruning your chat history, emails, messengers, profiles, etc.  Unfortunately perception is reality and the person violating your privacy is looking for something to hold against you and they will find it regardless of the validity of their claim against you with it.

And of course after this person violates you, well, now you have a whole new opportunity to learn to forgive.  Write about what they did, free write, let it fly, anything goes – then burn it and take a nap.

A fire pit, or non-flammable bowl serves well to house the burning material.  Use caution, buy a cooking lighter (one with length), and be sure to extinguish any ashes.  You should also clean out the area and erase traces of your activities.  These exercises are for your development not for others to inquire about.