Or is it an opportunity?
Gotta love a fellow Canadian. Jordan Peterson says some very inspiring and quickly transforming things here. I’m not even going to blog at this point. Just watch this video.
Or is it an opportunity?
Gotta love a fellow Canadian. Jordan Peterson says some very inspiring and quickly transforming things here. I’m not even going to blog at this point. Just watch this video.
Don’t give up. You’ve got to get honest about what you want or have wanted. What isn’t working for you in your life? What have you committed to that you still haven’t gotten, completed, or attended to? Your integrity is on the line. Life is what you choose it to be and yes it can be an amazing adventure where you go forth and manifest or get your dream things, trips, jobs, relationships, etc. Just accept that you have to do it and get real at just how much commitment it will take. Spend the money, take the trip, reach out and keep reaching. The biggest thing that can hold you back is your negative mindset. A set back is truly only a setback if you give up hope for the future. Always believe in the future. Things will get better and they are getting better every day! Your next car will be better. Your next job will be better. Etc. Your life is always improving and there is no area that you can’t fix up and get what you’ve wanted. Just put in a little elbow grease…or a lot! Get it done and continue to follow your integrity. Stick with it. In the face of X not turning out how will you be? What principles and values are guiding you and stick to those despite how outside factors affect you. You can do it.
The title pretty much says it all. You should keep your partner in the loop. You should especially keep your partner in the loop if you know they are making plans that involve you. This could include a trip to go see you, spending money on gifts for you, or saying no to other work or relationship opportunities in order to keep on track with being with you. Don’t be a jerk or worse!
Here’s a bad scenario. You make a move and it changes how you feel about your relationship. You don’t tell your partner this. As you go on through your daily life you start to notice new people, potential new people you could date etc. Your partner is starting to annoy you with their neediness. Maybe they are wondering why you aren’t talking more seriously to them or showing more commitment. Perhaps they aren’t being needy but they are expressing a yearning for more. It occurs to you as needy because you are no longer putting your attention or energy to them – you are moving on. You could solve tons of issues right there by being honest and expressing yourself, “I am moving on because my feelings have changed and I’m being responsible and respectful by letting you know.” To not do this is irresponsible and disrespectful. Please honor the relationship which is supposed to be a partnership. You partner needs to know if their other half is coming or going like the two puzzle pieces pictured above. How sad would it be for the one cartoon to be stuck trying to piece together his puzzle when the other part is absent?
What happens when you don’t come clean is that you start to blame your partner for being too needy or you start to accuse them of cheating or looking for reasons that they had already checked out of the relationship. The fact is you are the one who has left the relationship. If it goes on even longer the manipulative convolutions increase. You are the one who has cheated or has flirtatious messages all over your phone.
Let’s say you are a real dishonest person. You will spend the rest of their life never owning up to the fact that you have not given your partner the truth. Then you say your ex was crazy, you build cases to make you right and the ex wrong. Werner Erhard said it well, “You would rather be right than be loved.” And to think it could all have been avoided if you would have just said at the time you decided that you were going to leave the relationship. Don’t be fake, inauthentic or insincere. You PARTNER is counting on you.
Men are strength and love.
Women are warmth and love.
Women are water. Men are fire. Yin Yang. How does it all fit together? How can it find harmony? What is the whole we are a part of?
Well I’m not completely sure about the women part but this morning an idea came to me that simplified the entire male female dynamic. If we can remove our standards and ideals and see how situations occur we stand a chance at seeing the compatibility and similarities we share.
It’s a good thing to believe men are love. Men are sometimes misinterpreted because they try to use strength in the wrong situation, wrong time, or wrong way. Men are incredibly strong not just physically but the way of being of a somewhat developed man often includes strength. This can be as discipline, confidence, directness, goal achieving or willingness to try. The goal of these ‘strength’ attributes is to achieve more love.
Women have something men don’t. They have a certain loveliness and warmth. They use this to achieve more love. I don’t really understand women or how this attribute works but it can be seen in their physical beauty, their flirty way of being, their receptivity, supportiveness, kindness, and nurturing qualities.
Now, see how when one side can’t understand the other that a man could be bitter about women as manipulative and a woman could be warded off by a man’s aggressiveness. Really they are just both trying to get the same thing: love.
So this post is about trying to simplify the way men/women are perceived as a part of the same whole with two diametric ways of moving energy. If a man and a woman can learn to work together and understand each other, to be generous and extend good will, patience, and security, then they can see that strength and warmth are actually the perfect compliments for one another.
Guys, appreciate the warmth you get from a woman as her ultimate gift. You are lucky when a woman shows you warmth. Ladies, appreciate when a man expresses something with strength. It means he wants to achieve love. Its just that these are the only ways these two sexes know how. Drop your standards and ideals about what they should be doing or not doing. Recognise their efforts to connect with you.
What are your principles and values? If you drop your shoulds and should nots then you are freed to make choices of action rather than reactions or vindicated sentences. If I could drop any part of my personality it would be my tendency to be vindictive. Once these things are gone, your principles and values will be free to direct your action. So if your principle is love and your value is space then you can realise a woman will give you attention when she wants to. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t and there’s nothing you can do about it. Relevant to anyone out there dating. Same for women, if a man is texting you it’s because he likes you. If he isn’t he isn’t.
I just recently moved to Hong Kong for an exciting new job. Lucky me – I get to help start an instrumental music program at an innovative international school. It has been a fantastic experience thus far and what’s more is that I get to live in Hong Kong where I can experience new food, language, and culture. I love the city, it’s great transit, and the loads of things to do.
One main reason I chose this place is because here it is not weird to be seen doing tai chi or any qigong in public spaces. In fact when renting my flat, my top non-negotiable was that it was very near the largest park in HK; Victoria Park. It’s awesome! I found a great sifu (Chinese for teacher/master) to study Dong style tai chi. I got a fancy new radio with alarm and have been using it to get up at 4:30AM daily to go practice tai chi in the park in the moonlight as the sun rises until 6:15AM. I’m not alone either. There are dozens of other folks out in the park this time of day doing tai chi or qigong. So in this morning’s practice I had an epiphany; such is the result of a good tai chi practice. I learned more about what love is.
It’s true that everyone will let you down. In fact, any partner you pick will have things you really like about them – that’s why you chose them. But to be sure every partner will also have moments of disappointing you in a big way. It’s unavoidable. It’s human. Hopefully it’s not too extreme but I’m talking about some big nasty stuff.
It’s kind of a funny joke – you choose to love someone and you know that they are eventually, in some capacity, going to send you bad vibes. Maybe by cheating or being abusive but hopefully something less upsetting like just being rude or demanding. But because you chose to love this person you are acknowledging and accepting that you will put up with the unpleasantness. You choose to accept their bad.
Usually when I love someone I’m totally into it until they show me a side I dislike. But now I see, you agree to accept those sides when you decide to love them. So, in my case, I’ll need to pick better next time so I get someone with less extreme dark sides but even when she disappoints or upsets me I’ll need to let it slide and approach it with a “well I knew that was going to happen” attitude and not let it end the relationship because they failed to be perfect.
To love someone really means acknowledging and accepting their worst sides. Be wise and get to know who you are dealing with – try to see their absolute worst side before you commit to loving them. I do think there are some dark sides that are not acceptable for my taste. Regardless, think of it as a funny joke. Loving someone doesn’t mean good feelings. Perhaps just the opposite loving someone means dealing with all their badness. She/he will always let you down.
I heard this the other day over a casual dinner with a good and wise friend. It really knocked me out, really blew my mind. I can only paraphrase but her idea was that in most cases your animal instinct helps you. It helps you to avoid dangerous situations EXCEPT in the case of physical attraction. Think about the truth of that and the painful almost comical irony.
Your animal instinct serves to protect you in all (most) areas except physical attraction in which case it does the exact opposite of help protect you. Wow. There it is. Biological racket much?
In every area your animal instinct helps protect you except in fidelity. Your biology encourages you to take action towards hook-ups. It does not encourage you to stop, turn around, say no. and it affects EVERYONE, you, your girlfriend, your ex’s, your spouse, everyone.
Why? I guess it could be the fact that sex is needed for reproduction and your biology doesn’t care about or honor fidelity or exclusive relationships? What does it want – for everyone to get pregnant all the time? I don’t understand this situation. Or at least I have a racket about it. Don’t particularly like knowing that I’ve been cheated on or that ex’s are being with new people or that no matter what my partner will be experiencing others hitting on her, others wanting to be with her and she will have those urges with people aside from me as well.
My wise friend also said something positive when I complained about the desperation of this situation. Responding to my whining about my partner will always be receiving offers from other men, my friend said that my partner can say “no.” Again, mind blown. I just keep coming back to the same beginning: don’t pick someone who cheats or who isn’t ready to be in a committed relationship. Unfortunately the hole in that strategy is that many will claim that they are but…
So what does it take to be a human who is choosing to rise above their animal instinct to mate with anyone of the opposite sex? What are the signs? What to look for?
What am I doing with my life? Can you answer that? What kind of answers do you think you might hear to that question?
“getting a degree” “raising a family” “working until retirement” “paying off my house”
Well those are all good and I’d like to contemplate the concept of generational differences in what life is all about. A very bright scholar was talking to me the other day about acquisition in the baby boomer generation. The baby boomer’s would be likely to give the aforementioned answers. They were a generation taught or devised of their own experience the values of acquiring things. College degree, career, house mortgage, lawn, climb the ladder, family, retirement. Many of our parents are from this baby boom generation where acquisition is the priority of life.
Now I was born in the 80’s. My generation is not so concerned with owning cars, houses or retirement plans. I, for example, have been in the same career or adjacent career field for 14 years however I have not kept with the same employer for more than 2 years. I own my own business. I got one master’s degree and then I got another one. I work freelance in a variety of music related fields. I sold my car. I’ve traveled the world, taken jobs just for the experience, tried everything once, and now live across the world from where I grew up. What am I here for? I’m here to experience things. I will not hold onto a broken relationship – it was the lessons learned that were the gift of the relationship not the other person or the idea of us. I wasn’t trying to acquire someone else. Jobs offer insight into lifestyles but I’ve never wanted to stay in the jobs – just to gain the insight and experience. For example, I’ve done over 15 national and global touring jobs, living on busses and hotel rooms. It was never my intention to stay a nomad or make my life on the road permanent. But I did it, grin and bear, for the experience. I wasn’t trying to acquire a permanent position.
Now, as I’m advancing in age I am seeing the benefit of sedimentation. In other words, slowing down a little and allowing all of my life experiences to congeal. I’ve stirred up a whole whirlwind of information and insight through my experiences that I need now to allow to settle so that I can become a more stable, solid and realized person which will allow me to have influence and effect in my life. What is my life?
At this point, I’m realizing that my life is about who and what surrounds me daily. Long distance anything is over. To sediment and become a fixed figure allows others passing by to see and recognize me, so feel secure and observe me, to be influenced, taught or interact with me as they wish. Like big mountain as opposed to the wind. I believe this is the progression of life for my generation.
I wonder what the newer generations lives will look like? I can’t imagine they will be even more adventurous and experience orientated than mine ..! What would that look like…not firming up in one place until they are mid 40’s? Could be…perhaps the nuclear family is disappearing and our population issue will start to slow down. More humans learning about themselves and the world, less just defaulting to breeding as a priority.
I wonder what the ultimate point of it all is… to see hundreds of years into the future how they live their lives…
I was fortunate enough to have a handful of lessons and days spent with, in my opinion, the greatest trumpet player in the world; Carl Saunders. Not only is he an amazing technical bebop player but his tone is bluesy and personal, his range has no limits high or low, and his lines flow endlessly from tasty lick to tasty lick across the complete range of the horn in a one breath phrase longer than expected. In short, he’s jaw dropping. See for yourself:
Of course, he could also scat, sing, compose hundreds of tunes, play drums, bass and piano extremely well. He is truly an extremely talented person. In my time with him he gave me lots of honest feedback and very wise tips. I’ve always thought that 70 year olds have the best advice. They’ve really lived, accomplished much, proven their hold here, and are carefree enough to pass on their honest stories and lessons.
One of my favorite quotes of his was “stay on the beat but don’t rush.” He was speaking musically but I interpreted this also metaphorically. It’s about life. Pay attention to where you are, consciously be aware and stay on the beat – in the moment – but don’t rush. Don’t get ahead of yourself, don’t overthink or over do anything, just be where you are.
Musical time is also one of those things that gets better with age because it has to do with time itself! Someone older who has been through many lessons and learned about what stays the same through the changes and the years will have better musical time than a beginning piano student. Sure, this is because of their difference in experience, training and development but also their experience and understanding of time. Or the fact that those 3 things take place over time. So time improves as one gains more experience with time or simply has lived more life.
As CS used to end phone conversations, “stay on the beat, but don’t rush.” 🙂
Why do you need to stay with something? Is your dedication appropriate? Why are you holding on to things that hurt or haven’t been panning out or haven’t been manifesting in the way you expect? Here’s the thing; it may not be enough to just “let it go.” You will actually need to change. Look: life moves forward. If you need proof just look at how yourself and others bodies are advancing in age and thus changing how they look. Life is ALL about change. In fact, that is what the Tai Chi symbol represents at the top of this blog. The question is: When you are hitting your head against something will you have the courage the CHANGE?
Let’s look at what change really means. For starters, it does not mean taking a thought and saying, “OK, I won’t think that anymore,” or “I’ll adjust that thought or avoid that one or,” etc. Change requires action to be real. In fact, everything requires action to be real. Intention is where you set your course of action but the actual result is where life happens. Make the change. That thing you are holding on to…a career, a relationship, a mentor, a belief, a job, a car, etc… it is actually holding you back. You have to make a change. Don’t be afraid. In the making the change you are allowing for something much better to enter into your life.
Change is hard and scary at first but totally worth it in the end. And when you’ve made a change and progress down that path for a while, great! but it will probably eventually be time for another change. You will always be changing or rather, you should always need to be changing. Don’t get stuck. Change!! You will still be there. As you change you get a chance to drop some of your negative or non-helpful beliefs and add or emphasize more positive beliefs. Optimism is really the ultimate goal for state of mind. No matter how glorious something seems if it is making you feel something other than positive you must change, not just think, “ok I’ll let it go”…but change! Now we are back to intention. Keep your intention to feel optimistic and good, keep that above all other attachments, and you will keep changing for the better.
Intention leads the energy leads the action. So your action is what needs to manifest. You may be scared, you may think you are missing something but let’s be honest: that thing you are holding onto is not working out! That’s all you need to know. You should only be pursuing what is working out for you. Always move on, keep moving on. When you find the “right fits” they will be moving on with you and together you can progress towards better and better feelings.
You can’t change anyone. You can influence people to an extent. You can’t alter the past. When your dedication to something is not working out…job, person, relationship, dream, career, ideals, goals…then change them. It was never your dream to have a dream that isn’t coming true was it? So change the dream. It was never your goal to have a goal that just isn’t happening. The relationship you want is not one that you need to keep chasing around. Let them go by changing. Don’t be afraid, it’s natural, but better is beyond this!
Or another way to say it is do not go with things that are unnatural. Here is my interpretation at the present moment of what Taoism is about in one aspect.
Have you ever found yourself in a real psychological difficulty? I’m talking about depression, anger, obsession, all the bad things. It is not natural to be psychologically disturbed. My theory states that if you are obviously having a non-natural difficulty it is because the upsetting situation you got into came about not-naturally. Therefore, only do what is natural.
If you’ve forced a situation to occur generally the results are not positive. They are hard to deal with and that is not natural. This happens because you forced the situation rather than letting a different situation naturally occur. If you find yourself having to deal with some really tough thoughts or patterns of thought then maybe try saying to yourself that this is not natural. You are having a not natural reaction to a situation that did not occur naturally. Both the situation and your reaction were not natural. Therefore, you have to let it go. It was not real. It was forced or contrived and simply not rooted in the only thing that has any power – nature or naturally occurring things.
Nothing in nature is trying to be something it isn’t. That is why nature works so well and is so astounding. Go with your own nature. Don’t try to be something you aren’t, don’t try to have something that doesn’t come on it’s own, don’t force anything.
I hope this sheds some light onto the formerly confusing (for me) phrase “go with the flow” or “go with your own nature.” In the future to avoid unnatural reactions (which are miserable and hard to break) you should only do what is natural. You have no power to create things that are not natural.